HEAL THE LOVE BETWEEN YOU,
SO THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN HEAL YOU IN RETURN
Texas Health Insurance Covers Couple's Counseling. Learn More Here.
Being in love brings out the best in us because LOVING IS OUR TRUE NATURE.
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The Problem:
Unfortunately, humans have a tendency to confuse themselves. When we humans fall in love, we fall into a "lovey-dovey state". This lasts for about a one to two years. It's what we call the "honeymoon" period. Since we don't stay in the "lovey-dovey state" forever, over time other feelings tend to take it's place. In your relationship, you could become bored, restless, resentful, jealous, angry or hopeless. Sure, there are probably still days or moments you feel happy and "in love" with your partner! But it's what happens in those "in between times" that will make or break your relationship.
It's natural for people to get "triggered" by each other. More and more often, your unconscious patterns can start to kick in and run the show. When these uncomfortable feelings begin to surface - you may not see yourself as being "in love" with your partner, like you once did. You may feel super confused about how this person that you used to ADORE has now become a person whom you feel irritated with, or even resent. You might start thinking there must be something wrong with your relationship. You might be searching for what has gone wrong, spending more and more time trying to figure it out, or the opposite - you might be doing your best to ignore what's happening. You may become immersed in ever-growing worries about your marriage.
It's natural for people to get "triggered" by each other. More and more often, your unconscious patterns can start to kick in and run the show. When these uncomfortable feelings begin to surface - you may not see yourself as being "in love" with your partner, like you once did. You may feel super confused about how this person that you used to ADORE has now become a person whom you feel irritated with, or even resent. You might start thinking there must be something wrong with your relationship. You might be searching for what has gone wrong, spending more and more time trying to figure it out, or the opposite - you might be doing your best to ignore what's happening. You may become immersed in ever-growing worries about your marriage.
A Course in Miracles says that when we fall in love, we are "in our right mind".
When we begin to believe our love is ruined or gone - we've entered a state of madness.
Here's the truth:
There's nothing broken in the relationship.
There's something broken in your THINKING.
Defensive Behaviors:
Each of us reacts to the world with a unique set of defensive patterns which were created in response to stress from caregivers. We may call them "triggers". These triggers stay with us all our lives - and unfortunately, show up in our intimate adult relationships. When you get threatened or hurt by your partner, you might suddenly want to "run", "fight", or "people-please" in order to handle the stress. There's another thing people sometimes do - they might feel nothing at all, which means they've slipped into a state of "freeze". All of these behaviors are instinctive and automatic. We cannot control the impulses.
When you're defensive impulses raise their heads, your brain changes. You're no longer able to think rationally, or to have compassion for the other person. In essence.... you've "left the building". The real you isn't present. If you're not present, and your partner has ALSO "left the building".... Whoo-boy! This is when the ugliness starts. Fighting, running, withdrawing, pulling away, disappearing, hyper-neediness, name-calling, shaming, over-explaining, manipulating, speaking words we don't mean, stonewalling, or gaslighting...etc. These coping strategies may have worked to keep you safe in childhood, but they just don't work for adults who are trying to have a grown-up relationship.
When you're defensive impulses raise their heads, your brain changes. You're no longer able to think rationally, or to have compassion for the other person. In essence.... you've "left the building". The real you isn't present. If you're not present, and your partner has ALSO "left the building".... Whoo-boy! This is when the ugliness starts. Fighting, running, withdrawing, pulling away, disappearing, hyper-neediness, name-calling, shaming, over-explaining, manipulating, speaking words we don't mean, stonewalling, or gaslighting...etc. These coping strategies may have worked to keep you safe in childhood, but they just don't work for adults who are trying to have a grown-up relationship.
Our partners CAN and DO poke at our wounded places. (It's just human nature.) But the good news is: if they can DETECT and HURT our achilles heel, they can also turn around and choose to HEAL our achilles heel! Partners can be each others' best healers. It just takes some skill, and lots of practice.
COUPLES WHO HEAL TOGETHER STAY TOGETHER.
"If partners can understand each others' automatic reactions, and not take things so personally, they are well on their way to a better relationship."
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The Good News!
In couple's therapy sessions, Paige helps each person become "an expert on their partner". You'll learn to read your partner's emotional states. You'll be able to tag the exact moment they are becoming upset or triggered. You'll learn to discern how your partner's brain is wired, what their love language is, and what their attachment style is. You'll learn to track your own feelings and tell the truth about them - kindly and safely. You'll also learn to track your partner's feelings, and to invite them to tell the truth - kindly and safely. With these skills (and others) you'll learn to manage persistent problems. As you get really good at knowing your partner, you'll better understand the true intention behind their words. You'll realize that those things you perceived as hurtful or threatening before, might not be as big a deal as you once thought.
When the light in the closet is turned on, the monster is seen for what it truly is: a child trying to get love.
A couple can learn to take a lighter approach to one another. It doesn't have to feel so heavy and hard all the time. Things can become more playful again.
If you're wondering....Yes.... couples can recover from infidelity. In fact, studies show that when couple's attend therapy, there's a HIGH RATE of recovery. You CAN save your marriage.
When the light in the closet is turned on, the monster is seen for what it truly is: a child trying to get love.
A couple can learn to take a lighter approach to one another. It doesn't have to feel so heavy and hard all the time. Things can become more playful again.
If you're wondering....Yes.... couples can recover from infidelity. In fact, studies show that when couple's attend therapy, there's a HIGH RATE of recovery. You CAN save your marriage.
If We Learn to be Each Other's Healer,
Life can Feel Happier Than Living Alone.
We don't heal each other by "teaching them a lesson". Nor do we heal each other by changing their minds. No. We heal each other by listening, accepting them exactly as they are (angry, ashamed, loud, withdrawn, emotional, needy, etc). We access compassion in our heart for what our partner is going through. We learn to speak the right words that they really need to hear. We use comforting touch (if it is invited). We use eye contact and body language that tells our partner, "YOU MATTER TO ME." Through these kinds of behaviors, our partner begins to trust us again. And amazingly - this can teach us to trust ourselves, too. Sometimes for the very first time.
In couples work, you'll learn to trade off being the healer, or what I call "the container". One moment, you'll be triggered and in need of containment. The next moment, your partner will be triggered and in need of containment. This is how we help each other stay "in the building". As you learn to stay present with your feelings AND the feelings of your partner, you begin to CO-REGULATE. CO-REGULATION is a wonderful sensation! Feelings of closeness, understanding and gratitude arise for one another. Great intimacy can be generated!
Paige Bartholomew Newberry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 11 years of intensive couple work behind her.
She uses Authentic Relating, The Gottman Method, Stan Tatkin's Work: WIRED FOR LOVE", Love Languages and Attachments Styles, Internal Family Systems and Non-Violent Communication.
She uses Authentic Relating, The Gottman Method, Stan Tatkin's Work: WIRED FOR LOVE", Love Languages and Attachments Styles, Internal Family Systems and Non-Violent Communication.
Schedule your FREE 30-minute couple's consultation to talk with Paige.
Try a session or two.
See if this work is the magic you've been searching for!
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Unparalleled Progress for Difficult Relationships. Couples need a strong, smart mediator, a trained Marriage Therapist, to get under the "fight" and arrive back at the "love". I work with couples who want to work it out. I work with those who are willing to have the hard talks. We want to get you both feeling heard, valued and loved again! Couples must commit to one personal bi-weekly appointment each, in addition to weekly or bi-weekly couples' sessions. See rates HERE. |
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Conscious relationship really is a glorious thing.