HEAL THE LOVE BETWEEN YOU,
SO THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN HEAL YOU IN RETURN
Texas Health Insurance Covers Couple's Counseling. Learn More Here.
Being in love brings out the best in us because LOVING IS OUR TRUE NATURE.
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Unparalleled Progress for Difficult Relationships. Couples need a strong, smart mediator, a trained Marriage Therapist, to get under the "fight" and arrive back at the "love". I work with couples who are willing to have the hard talks, and want to work it out. We want to get you both feeling heard, valued and loved again! Paige Newberry Bartholomew is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 11 years of intensive couple work behind her. She uses Authentic Relating, The Gottman Method, Stan Tatkin's Work: WIRED FOR LOVE", Love Languages and Attachments Styles, Internal Family Systems and Non-Violent Communication.
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Couples therapy works best when each partner
commits to one individual bi-weekly appointment, in addition to their weekly or bi-weekly couples' sessions. See rates HERE. |
The Problem:
Unfortunately, humans have a tendency to confuse themselves. When we humans fall in love, we fall into a "lovey-dovey state". This lasts for a year or two. It's what we call the "honeymoon" period. Since we don't stay in the honeymoon period forever, other feelings surface to to take it's place over time. In your relationship, you could become bored, restless, resentful, jealous, angry or hopeless. Sure, there are probably still days or moments you feel happy and "in love" with your partner! But it's what happens in those "in between times" that will make or break your relationship.
It's natural for people to get "triggered" by each other. The longer you're together, your unconscious patterns can start to kick in and run the show. When these uncomfortable feelings begin to surface - you may not see yourself as being "in love" with your partner, as you once did. You may feel confused about how this person that you used to ADORE has now become a person whom you feel irritated with, or even resent. You might start thinking there must be something wrong with your relationship. You might be searching for what has gone wrong, spending more and more time preoccupied with trying to figure it out, or the opposite - you might be doing your best to ignore what's happening. It might feel like a nasty tangled mess.
It's natural for people to get "triggered" by each other. The longer you're together, your unconscious patterns can start to kick in and run the show. When these uncomfortable feelings begin to surface - you may not see yourself as being "in love" with your partner, as you once did. You may feel confused about how this person that you used to ADORE has now become a person whom you feel irritated with, or even resent. You might start thinking there must be something wrong with your relationship. You might be searching for what has gone wrong, spending more and more time preoccupied with trying to figure it out, or the opposite - you might be doing your best to ignore what's happening. It might feel like a nasty tangled mess.
A Course in Miracles says that when we fall in love, we are "in our right mind".
When we begin to believe our love is ruined or gone - we've entered a state of madness.
Defensive Behaviors:
Each of us reacts to the world with a unique set of defensive patterns which were created in response to stress from caregivers. We may call them "triggers". These triggers stay with us all our lives - and unfortunately, show up in our intimate adult relationships. When you get threatened or hurt by your partner, you might suddenly want to "run", "fight", or "people-please" in order to handle the stress. There's another thing people sometimes do - they might feel nothing at all, which means they've slipped into a state of "freeze". All of these behaviors are instinctive and automatic. We cannot control the impulses.
When you're defensive impulses raise their heads, your brain changes. You're no longer able to think rationally, or to have compassion for the other person. Your words and actions become all about protecting yourself. Survival. In essence.... you've "left the building". The real you isn't present. If you're not present, and your partner has ALSO "left the building".... Whoo-boy! This is when the ugliness starts. Fighting, running, withdrawing, pulling away, disappearing, hyper-neediness, name-calling, shaming, over-explaining, manipulating, speaking words we don't mean, stonewalling, or gaslighting...etc. These strategies just don't work for adults who are trying to have a grown-up relationship.
When you're defensive impulses raise their heads, your brain changes. You're no longer able to think rationally, or to have compassion for the other person. Your words and actions become all about protecting yourself. Survival. In essence.... you've "left the building". The real you isn't present. If you're not present, and your partner has ALSO "left the building".... Whoo-boy! This is when the ugliness starts. Fighting, running, withdrawing, pulling away, disappearing, hyper-neediness, name-calling, shaming, over-explaining, manipulating, speaking words we don't mean, stonewalling, or gaslighting...etc. These strategies just don't work for adults who are trying to have a grown-up relationship.
It's not your partner that's bothering you.
It's you that is being bothered by your partner.
Our partners CAN and DO poke at our wounded places. (It's just human nature.) But the good news is: if they can FIND and WOUND your achilles heel, they can also make the opposite choice to PROTECT your achilles heel! Partners can be each others' best advocates. It just takes some skill, and lots of practice. You want this to be "your person". Let's get you back there.
COUPLES WHO HEAL TOGETHER STAY TOGETHER.
The Good News!
In couple's therapy sessions, Paige helps each person become "an expert on their partner". You'll learn to read each others' emotional states. You'll be able to recognize the exact moment they are becoming upset or triggered. You'll learn how your partner's brain is wired, what their love language is, and what their attachment style is - and also get clear about yourself. You'll learn to track your own feelings while tracking your partner's. You'll learn how to tell the truth to each other - kindly and safely. With these skills (and others) you'll learn to manage persistent problems. As you get really good at knowing your partner, you'll better understand the true intention behind their words. You'll realize that those things you perceived as hurtful or threatening before, might not feel as big and threatening as you once thought.
When the tangled ball of string is unwound, we feel calmer, and we can think. That opens up some space for intimacy to come back.
A couple can learn to take a lighter approach to one another. It doesn't have to feel so heavy and hard all the time. Things can become more playful again.
If you're wondering....Yes.... couples can recover from infidelity. In fact, studies show that when couples attend therapy, there's a HIGH RATE of recovery. You CAN save your marriage.
When the tangled ball of string is unwound, we feel calmer, and we can think. That opens up some space for intimacy to come back.
A couple can learn to take a lighter approach to one another. It doesn't have to feel so heavy and hard all the time. Things can become more playful again.
If you're wondering....Yes.... couples can recover from infidelity. In fact, studies show that when couples attend therapy, there's a HIGH RATE of recovery. You CAN save your marriage.
How Do Relationships Heal?
We heal our marriage by listening and by accepting each other exactly as we each are (angry, ashamed, loud, withdrawn, emotional, needy, etc). This makes a person feel SAFE and SEEN. We heal our relationship by remembering how to access compassion in our heart for what our partner is going through. We learn to speak the right words that they really need to hear. We use comforting touch (if it is invited). We use eye contact and body language that tells our partner, "YOU MATTER TO ME." Through these kinds of behaviors, our partner begins to trust us again. And amazingly - this can teach us to trust ourselves, too. Sometimes for the very first time.
In couples' dynamics here's what we usually see: one moment, you'll be triggered and in need of containment. The next moment, your partner will be triggered and in need of containment. Paige will teach you how to trade off containing one another so that both of you get your needs met. This is how we help each other stay "in the building". This is what is meant by CO-REGULATION. When we do this together, feelings of closeness, understanding and gratitude arise for one another. Great intimacy can be generated!
In couples' dynamics here's what we usually see: one moment, you'll be triggered and in need of containment. The next moment, your partner will be triggered and in need of containment. Paige will teach you how to trade off containing one another so that both of you get your needs met. This is how we help each other stay "in the building". This is what is meant by CO-REGULATION. When we do this together, feelings of closeness, understanding and gratitude arise for one another. Great intimacy can be generated!
Schedule your FREE 30-minute couple's consultation to talk with Paige.
Try a session or two.
See if this work is the magic you've been searching for!
Conscious relationship really is a glorious thing.