HEAL THE LOVE BETWEEN YOU,
SO THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN HEAL YOU IN RETURN
Texas Health Insurance Covers Couple's Counseling. Learn More Here.
Being in love brings out the best in us because
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Unparalleled Progress for Difficult Relationships. Couples need a strong, smart mediator, a trained Marriage Therapist, to get under the "fight" and arrive back at the "love". I work with couples who are willing to have the hard talks, and want to work it out. We want to get you both feeling heard, valued and loved again! Paige Bartholomew Newberry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 12 years of intensive couple work behind her. She uses a wide variety of therapeutic skills for couples: Authentic Relating, The Gottman Method, Stan Tatkin's Work: "WIRED FOR LOVE", Emotionally Focused Therapy, Love Languages and Attachments Styles, Internal Family Systems, Non-Violent Communication skills and Authentic Relating Communication skill-building.
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Couples therapy works best when each partner
commits to one individual bi-weekly appointment, in addition to their weekly or bi-weekly couples' sessions. See rates and insuranceda HERE. |
I Work with Couples in a Unique Way
Every individual shows up in relationship with their own triggers, reactions and stories. I see each person as "right" and valid in their viewpoint on the relationship. No one is wrong or bad. Marriage is a 50/50 dance. There is no judgment here. It's a safe space for each partner to have his or her own experience - and to be validated in that experience.
That's why I stage couples' work differently than most therapists do.
Here's how it works:
Each partner has one personal session with me per month. On the "in-between weeks", we all meet together on Zoom for a longer couples' session. In my experience, I've found that seeing you each alone once a month allows us to de-brief without your partner present. I'm able to get your unique take on what's happening in the joint sessions. I get to learn vital information about the personal feelings and reactions you bring to the table - and where they originated from. How does your childhood play a part in your marriage? How do your past relationships play a part? What needs aren't being met by your partner? What more might you learn about yourself, and how you "do relationship"? What might you learn about your love language, your needs and wants, and perhaps even your resistances that play their parts in the struggles with your spouse?
For me, knowing you both really well, on your own, helps inform our work in group-session. It saves us lots of time "trying to figure things out", because we've done much of that work together, just you and me. This format gives each partner a chance to be heard by me in a more personal way, which contributes to the trust between us - and also helps to strengthen honesty with your partner.
Individual sessions are 65 minutes
Couples' sessions are 90 - 120 minutes
That's why I stage couples' work differently than most therapists do.
Here's how it works:
Each partner has one personal session with me per month. On the "in-between weeks", we all meet together on Zoom for a longer couples' session. In my experience, I've found that seeing you each alone once a month allows us to de-brief without your partner present. I'm able to get your unique take on what's happening in the joint sessions. I get to learn vital information about the personal feelings and reactions you bring to the table - and where they originated from. How does your childhood play a part in your marriage? How do your past relationships play a part? What needs aren't being met by your partner? What more might you learn about yourself, and how you "do relationship"? What might you learn about your love language, your needs and wants, and perhaps even your resistances that play their parts in the struggles with your spouse?
For me, knowing you both really well, on your own, helps inform our work in group-session. It saves us lots of time "trying to figure things out", because we've done much of that work together, just you and me. This format gives each partner a chance to be heard by me in a more personal way, which contributes to the trust between us - and also helps to strengthen honesty with your partner.
Individual sessions are 65 minutes
Couples' sessions are 90 - 120 minutes
The Relationship Problem:
Unfortunately, humans have a tendency to confuse themselves. When we humans fall in love, we take on a "lovey-dovey state". This lasts for a year or two. It's what we call the "honeymoon" period. Since we don't stay in the honeymoon period forever, over time, other feelings surface to to take it's place. In your relationship, you could become bored, restless, resentful, jealous, angry or hopeless. Sure, you probably still have days or moments when you feel happy and "in love" with your partner! But it's what happens in those "in-between moments" that will make or break your relationship. Are you aware of what's happening in the "in-between moments"? Most of the time, the dynamics of those in-between moments are completely missed, and misunderstood. This creates a snowball effect of unheard feelings and misunderstood intentions.
It's natural for people to get triggered by each other. The longer you're together, your unconscious patterns start to kick in and run the show. When these uncomfortable feelings snowball into a knot of confusion and anger - you may not feel as "in love" with your partner as you once did. You may ask yourself, "How can this person that I used to ADORE now become a person whom I'm SO irritated with???" You might think, "There must be something wrong with your relationship." You might be searching for what's gone wrong, spending more and more time preoccupied trying to figure it out. Or the opposite - you might be doing your best to ignore what's happening, trying to convince yourself that "everything is fine".
It feels like a nasty, tangled mess.
It's natural for people to get triggered by each other. The longer you're together, your unconscious patterns start to kick in and run the show. When these uncomfortable feelings snowball into a knot of confusion and anger - you may not feel as "in love" with your partner as you once did. You may ask yourself, "How can this person that I used to ADORE now become a person whom I'm SO irritated with???" You might think, "There must be something wrong with your relationship." You might be searching for what's gone wrong, spending more and more time preoccupied trying to figure it out. Or the opposite - you might be doing your best to ignore what's happening, trying to convince yourself that "everything is fine".
It feels like a nasty, tangled mess.
A Course in Miracles says that when we fall in love, we are "in our right mind".
But when we begin to believe our love is ruined or gone - we've entered a state of madness.
Defensive Behaviors:
Each of us reacts to the world with a unique set of defensive patterns which were created early in life in response to stress from caregivers. We may call them "triggers". These triggers stay with us all our lives - and unfortunately, show up strongly in our intimate adult relationships. When you feel threatened or hurt by your partner, you might suddenly want to "run", "fight", or "people-please" in order to handle the stress. There's another thing people sometimes do - they might feel nothing at all, which means they've slipped into a state of "freeze".
When you're defensive impulses raise their heads, your brain changes. You're no longer able to think rationally, or to have compassion for the other person. Your words and actions become all about protecting yourself. Survival. In essence.... you've "left the building". The real you isn't present. If you're not present, and your partner has ALSO "left the building".... this is when the ugliness starts. Fighting, running, withdrawing, pulling away, disappearing, hyper-neediness, name-calling, shaming, over-explaining, manipulating, saying words we don't mean, stonewalling, or gaslighting...etc.
All of these behaviors are instinctive and automatic. We can't control these impulses, but we can learn to manage them differently. AND we can learn to help our partner through their states of extreme dis-regulation.
When you're defensive impulses raise their heads, your brain changes. You're no longer able to think rationally, or to have compassion for the other person. Your words and actions become all about protecting yourself. Survival. In essence.... you've "left the building". The real you isn't present. If you're not present, and your partner has ALSO "left the building".... this is when the ugliness starts. Fighting, running, withdrawing, pulling away, disappearing, hyper-neediness, name-calling, shaming, over-explaining, manipulating, saying words we don't mean, stonewalling, or gaslighting...etc.
All of these behaviors are instinctive and automatic. We can't control these impulses, but we can learn to manage them differently. AND we can learn to help our partner through their states of extreme dis-regulation.
The real truth is: It's not your partner that's bothering you.
It's you that is being bothered by your partner.
Our partners CAN and DO poke at our wounded places. (It's just human nature.) But the good news is: if they can FIND your achilles heel, and hurt you there, they can also make the opposite choice to PROTECT your achilles heel! Partners can be each others' best advocates. It just takes learning some new skills, and lots of practice.
You want this to be "your person". Let's get you back there.
COUPLES WHO HEAL TOGETHER STAY TOGETHER.
The Good News!
In couple's therapy sessions, Paige will help get you two to the truth of what's really going on between you. When you can name it - you can fix it. Paige will help you get clear about yourself. You'll learn to track your own feelings while tracking your partner's. You'll learn how to tell the truth to each other - kindly and safely. With these skills (and others) you'll learn to manage persistent problems.
Paige will help you each become "an expert on your partner". You'll learn to read each others' emotional states. This ignites feelings of empathy and compassion for each other. You'll be able to recognize the exact moment your partner is becoming upset or triggered. You'll learn how your partner's brain is wired, what their love language is, and what their attachment style is. As you get really good at knowing your partner, you'll better understand the true intention behind their words. You'll realize that those things you perceived as hurtful or threatening before, might not feel as big and threatening as you once thought.
When the tangled ball of string is unwound, we feel calmer, and we can think. That opens up some space for feelings of intimacy to come back.
A couple can learn to take a lighter approach to one another. It doesn't have to feel so heavy and hard all the time. Things can become more playful again.
If you're wondering....YES.... couples can recover from infidelity. In fact, studies show that when couples attend therapy, there's a HIGH RATE of recovery. You CAN save your marriage.
Paige will help you each become "an expert on your partner". You'll learn to read each others' emotional states. This ignites feelings of empathy and compassion for each other. You'll be able to recognize the exact moment your partner is becoming upset or triggered. You'll learn how your partner's brain is wired, what their love language is, and what their attachment style is. As you get really good at knowing your partner, you'll better understand the true intention behind their words. You'll realize that those things you perceived as hurtful or threatening before, might not feel as big and threatening as you once thought.
When the tangled ball of string is unwound, we feel calmer, and we can think. That opens up some space for feelings of intimacy to come back.
A couple can learn to take a lighter approach to one another. It doesn't have to feel so heavy and hard all the time. Things can become more playful again.
If you're wondering....YES.... couples can recover from infidelity. In fact, studies show that when couples attend therapy, there's a HIGH RATE of recovery. You CAN save your marriage.
What is the Medicine that Truly Heals Marriages?
We heal our relationships by listening and by accepting each other exactly as we each are. We welcome all the feelings (angry, ashamed, loud, withdrawn, emotional, needy, etc). This makes a person feel SAFE and SEEN. We heal our relationship by remembering how to access compassion in our heart for what our partner is going through. We learn to speak the right words that they really need to hear. We use comforting touch (if it is wanted). We use eye contact and body language that tells our partner, "YOU MATTER TO ME." Through these kinds of behaviors, our partner begins to trust us again. And amazingly - this can teach us to trust ourselves, too. Sometimes for the very first time.
In couples' dynamics here's what we usually see: one moment, you'll be triggered and in need of containment. The next moment, your partner will be triggered and in need of containment. Paige will teach you how to trade off containing one another so that both of you get your needs met. This is how we help each other to stay present with each other without abandoning yourself, or your partner. This is what is meant by CO-REGULATION. When we do this together, feelings of closeness, understanding and gratitude arise for one another. Great intimacy can be generated!
In couples' dynamics here's what we usually see: one moment, you'll be triggered and in need of containment. The next moment, your partner will be triggered and in need of containment. Paige will teach you how to trade off containing one another so that both of you get your needs met. This is how we help each other to stay present with each other without abandoning yourself, or your partner. This is what is meant by CO-REGULATION. When we do this together, feelings of closeness, understanding and gratitude arise for one another. Great intimacy can be generated!
Schedule your FREE 30-minute couple's consultation to talk with Paige.
Try a session or two.
See if this work is the magic you've been searching for!
Conscious relationship really is a glorious thing.